Saturday, February 16, 2013

fitness time

As attributed, this is a workout from Carrots ‘n Cake. It was posted with what I assume was the drastically understated, possibly even sarcastic comment, “I forgot to time myself, but this workout took me awhile to finish (maybe 20 minutes?) and it left me a tired, sweaty mess. I took multiple breaks during it to catch my breath and let my muscles recover.“ Yeah yeah okay Tina. 20 minutes. “Awhile”. You were “tired” and “sweaty”.

Facts about this workout:

- I just did it and I feel like I’m going to die. Like, in addition to the intensive physical depletion, my mind has just stopped caring. Any envisioning of a future has simply disappeared. I’m too tired to shower, plus I’m afraid I’ll fall down and be too tired to get up and drown.
- My freakishly fit boyfriend also felt like he was going to die. Fortunately, his recovery seems to be complete (approximately 10 minutes after the end of the workout), and his protective instincts have returned. He keeps offering me apples and seems gravely concerned about my well-being despite not having even read the previous comment yet.
- Prior to today, my Burpee record was approximately 26. What is with people being good at Burpees? They are horrible, horrible, awful things. Today I did the full 70… 70 with the understanding that these weren’t Crossfit burpees with the squat and pushup shebang, these were hands down, jump back, jump forward, stand up burpees. They nonetheless took me approximately 17 hours. I stopped (this is true) for two separate water breaks, and noticed the second time I lifted the glass that my hands could not stop shaking.
- The only thing that enables me to get through the 60-second plank is to play “Dangerously in Love”, by Beyonce. I don’t know why it works. I am passing it on in the hopes of helping others accomplish more than they’d ever dreamt they could with the aid of this heartfelt song.
- Prior to today, my Mountain Climber record was approximately 8. Today I did them all, dividing them into roughly 17 sets. In what way do Mountain Climbers resemble climbing a mountain? Mountain climbers resemble climbing a mountain the way a tractor pull resembles pulling a guinea pig in a novelty miniature wagon.
- I did the girly pushups. Lowered myself perhaps (and this is a generous estimate) 1.5 inches. It took me approximately 11 hours. And (I swear) I summoned every morsel of my inner motivational speaker to keep going, intoning, audibly “Steve already did it. You have to do do it too. Also, don’t you want arms like Michelle Obama?”
- We didn’t know what Hollow Rocks are and found a Youtube video demonstrating them. The hell I’m doing that. Toe touch pushups were enough (“Candles”, Steve called ‘em).
- Also Youtube’d Hand Release Pushups. My attempt at doing them was a perfect muscular equivalent of a newborn infant trying to lift their head. I did another plank instead.

In summary, this is a good workout for someone who wants to exercise in their home with no additional equipment. I recommend doing it on what you’re fairly sure is the last day of your life.

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